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Day One Hundred Eighty Three (Year Two)

The message was the same everywhere I turned today, and the message was this: Stop Thinking About It, And Just DO IT!  I heard it from J., whose final word when we were messaging back and forth about tempo issues was, and I quote, "cut it where it feels good.  Who's to say that the old tempo was the right one?"  Then tonight, I got it again from SL in regards to graduate school instead of music.  The topic may have been different, but the message was the same, and it was, "at some point you either just need to do it, or stop talking about it."  Definitely a put up or shut up moment if you ask me, and kind of ultimatum-ish at that.  Before that last sentence starts some sort of firestorm, I needed the kick that those comments provided, maybe more than I knew. 

They're both right though.  Sometimes (heck, a lot of the time), I think we live our lives afraid to fail, and that fear keeps us from doing things we know, in our hearts, that we can do with ease.  It's either that, or we invent reasons we're having trouble with something because we're somewhat afraid to succeed.  Personally, I'm a whole heck of a lot more afraid of success than I am of failure.  If I mess something up, I'm always free to try again.  But success?  Actually going for something and having it go well?  That's a bit more foreign in my world.

The truth is, I'm tired.  I'm tired of being a fuck-up and a failure.  I'm tired of not having all I want (and more?) out of my life.  I'm tired of leaving my dreams and my goals half imagined or half done.  I'm tired of settling for what's easy instead of working for what's more rewarding.  I've finally got some part of my life together that's actually worth holding onto, and I'm definitely not going to screw that up over fear and inactivity and uncertainty over what to do next, that much I know for damn sure.

There's music stuff to talk about from today, too, but somehow that seems less important right now.  Hell, I'll be happy if I can sleep tonight.

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